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Published: 14 years ago

Best Quotes of 2009

As I’ve done for the past few years, I wrote down all the unbelievable, outrageous, inspiring, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made this calendar year. Enjoy.


“Um, you guys said that we, um, did this for the show.”

– Six-year-old Falcon “Balloon Boy” Heene, on CNN


“You don’t like black people, but you’re working your hardest to get as brown as I am!”

– a black teenager at Charleston High School in Mississippi, on the popularity of tanning beds for attendees at “the white-folks prom” in Mount Vernon, Georgia, where high school proms remain racially segregated, as quoted by the New York Times


“Thanks for bringing her violations to my attention. … There’s going to be swift action.”

– Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, after his wife, Maria Shriver, was caught driving while talking on a cell phone, violating the hands-free law that he signed


“We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage…I think I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there.”

– Carrie Prejean, Miss California, during the 2009 Miss USA pageant


“The Governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

– Spokesman for South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford


“I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light – but hey, that would be going into sexual details…”

– South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, in a love email to Maria Shapur, his Argentinean mistress


“Right now, I’d give anything to be hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

– David Letterman, after admitting to multiple intra-office affairs

“It’s clearly not what my mom wanted.”

– Michael Phelps, on the circulated photo of him smoking pot


“I know it wasn’t rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don’t believe it was rape-rape.”

– Whoopi Goldberg, on The View, on Roman Polanski’s rape of a 13 year-old girl


“If only I’d listened to CNBC, I’d have $1 million today–provided I had started with $100 million.”

– Jon Stewart, on The Daily Show, mocking CNBC’S reckless advice and predictions


“I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way.”

– Sean Penn, in his Best Actor acceptance speech at the Oscar


“We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles … because his father was black”

– Rush Limbaugh, on President Obama


“You lie!”

– Rep. Joe Wilson, during President Obama’s address to Congress


“I know the President is black, but this is not Showtime at the Apollo. … Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed.”

– Bill Maher, in his opening monologue on Real Time with Bill Maher, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst


“How’d you like to try an Australian kiss? It’s like a French kiss, but down under.”

– Kevin, an unemployed 23-year-old self-described “Southern gentleman” and reality show contestant on The Cougar


“You go from having a mommy website to finding your picture 5,000 miles away.”

– Danielle Smith, whose family photo on her webpage was used, without permission, in an ad for a Czech Republic grocery store (see photo above)


“Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.”

– Tiger Woods, in a voicemail message to cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs


“She didn’t feel a thing.”

– Kassim Bakari, about his 14-year-old daughter Bahia, who is the only person of 153 passengers to survive the Yemeni airliner crash

“It may be tempting and more comfortable to just kind of keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand, ‘Hey, sit down and shut up,’ but that’s a worthless, easy path. That’s a quitter’s way out.”

– Sarah Palin, explaining why she was resigning as governor of Alaska


“The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates.”

– Fran Kranz (Topher Brink), on Dollhouse


“After we warm up before a game, I gotta take a dump. It’s a huge benefit to release that gas you don’t need. The facilities are beautiful. We’re spoiled. If I get a good one, I know I’m gonna score two touchdowns.”

– Leon Washington, running back for the New York Jets


“I know some people will see the irony here.”

– Rodney King, promoting a boxing match between him and a former police officer


“She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday–a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy!”

– California State Rep. Mike Duvall, caught on a live mic boasting to a colleague about an affair with a lobbyist


“I’ve never wanted kids… don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.”

– Jane Lynch (as Sue Sylvester), on Glee


“I want to make this statement. This is a real good statement here: Marshall and I — we own a record company.”

– Joe Jackson, sneaking in a plug, while being interviewed shortly after the death of his son, Michael Jackson

“Now Taylor, I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!”

– Kanye West, interrupting Taylor Swift, at the MTV Video Music Awards


“I totally understand O.J.”

– Hulk Hogan, discussing his ex-wife


“Do I f@#$ing walk around and rip that — no, shut the f$#k up, Bruce — do I wa— No! NO! Don’t shut me up! Am I gonna walk around and rip your f@#$in’ lights down in the middle of the scene…? Then why the f*@k are you walking right through? Ah da da da da, like this in the background. What the f&%k is it with you? What don’t you f@#$ing understand? You got any f@#$in’ idea about how… hey, it’s f@#$ing distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the f@#$ing scene! Give me a f@#$ing answer!”

– Christian Bale, during his tirade on set of Terminator Salvation, as DP Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked onto the set.  This also led to one of the greatest video mashups ever.


“Its a ASS suniami!!!!!!!!”

– Diddy, tweeting about callipygian women in Brazil


“Ma’am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining-room table. I have no interest in doing it.”

– Rep. Barney Frank, to a woman at a town-hall meeting who dubbed health care reform proposals a “Nazi policy”

“Keep f***ing that chicken.”

– New York news anchor Ernie Anastos to weatherman Nick Gregory, live on Fox 8


“If our mom knew, she would disown us.”

– Adnan Qadeer, who owns an undercover garment business in Pakistan with his brother, which earns more than $1 million a year exporting fetish and bondage products


“Keep your government hands off my Medicare.”

– Anonymous protester, according to the Washington Post, at a health care town hall in Simpsonville, South Carolina


“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer.”

– Kenny Powers, in his motivational audiotape, on Eastbound and Down


“I bowled a 129. It’s like — it was like Special Olympics, or something.”

– President Obama, joking on The Tonight Show, days before he profusely apologized to the head of the Special Olympics


“A book hasn’t caused this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.”

– Tracy Morgan, on 30 Rock


“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

– Model Kate Moss, before courting controversy from eating disorder experts


“People wanted bigger weddings, newer carriages … They were buying things they didn’t need.”

– Marvin Lehman, Amish father of four, discussing why his community is struggling financially


“It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”

– Mir-Hossein Moussavi, alleging voting fraud in the Iranian presidential election


“I wanted to tell everybody so you don’t think I stole a Korean baby!”

– Katherine Heigl, who adopted a Korean baby, on Ellen


“Oh, Ann, I am so fine. As long as you and me are cool. You know my code. Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. … Ovaries before bovaries.”

– Amy Poehler (Leslie Knope), on Parks and Recreation


“Why? Because I’m a black man in America?”

– Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., to the Cambridge police officer who questioned him about entering his own home


“[Officials] willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water.”

– attorneys for Allecyn Edwards, who is suing an Illinois zoo after she fell and injured herself on a floor made slippery by a dolphin show


“Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.”

– David Letterman, on Tareq and Michaele Salahi’s crashing a White House state dinner

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